An Eleven Year Old's Letter From Summer Camp

Dear Mom and Dad and Sally,

Well I got here okay, but the Greyhound bus was pretty rotten. The bathroom toilet was broken, but somebody still used it. Pretty stinky for the whole time. Maybe next year you guys can drive me down here instead of going to Hedonism Camp, or whatever you call it.

I only wrote in Sally in my greeting because you both told me to be nice to her. By the way, I know she's not my Aunt so I'm not calling her that anymore.  I think it is weird that you guys all share the same bedroom, don't you think you should finally buy a bed for her? 

Camp started out pretty good. Billy Worthington, that kid who fell down in his Jello barf last year, is back again, but he has to wear a helmet all of the time. He told us his Mom won't let him be around us anymore, because we're a bad influence on him.  Our counselor's name is Bruce and we had a long conversation about something called inclusion, and about how to bully people.  I thought that was kind of strange because in fifth grade this year all they talked about was not bullying other kids.  I will try to bully some kids and see what happens. 

Miss Butler and Miss Williams are both back this year, but they don't get along anymore.  At breakfast Miss Butler told Miss Williams to get her stuff out of their room, and she was going to keep the cat.  The soccer coach Miss Andrews gave Miss Butler a hug and kiss, and showed Miss Williams her middle finger. There was some commotion and the Head counselor told them all to take a cold shower. Geez, I hope I don't act like that when I get a roommate.

Tommy, you know from our town, shot himself in the foot with an arrow this morning. He said he did it so he could go home early, I think he's going to be in the hospital instead for a while since he shot his little toe off.

Dad, I won't be able to get that Marksman's rifle award this year because they cancelled the gun stuff.  Now we can sign up for something called Tolerance Day instead.  Nobody has signed up yet.

Please, please send some candy soon, the camp has become a "wheat and refined sugar free zone", it SUCKS! Candy, candy, candy PLEASE send CANDY!

That's it for now, love you, and miss you. See you Sally. Remember, send CANDY.  Oh yeah, tell Wally to stay out of my stuff while I'm gone.

Your son,

Theodore

PS: Don't let Wally kill my fish.